Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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