His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
