it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
