so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
