WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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