i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Randomize
