he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
