Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
