Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
