I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I could fuck to npr.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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