I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I am mentally ready for anal.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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