i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
