while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
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MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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