Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
