Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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