He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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