i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I need to sanitize my soul.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
