Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
