I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
