At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Found the puke drawer
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
