we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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