one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
