My first STD was from a foam party
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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