Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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