Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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