hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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