Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
