woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
