My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
