just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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