How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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