I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
