i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
