New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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