Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
