The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
