Got a toothbrush?
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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