did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
