I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
the liver wants what the liver wants
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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