Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
