It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
you made out with another girl for some wings
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
