What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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