just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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