i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
