When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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