John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
