Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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