life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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