I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
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We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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