Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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