remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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