I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
