8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
