OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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