I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she smelled like a LAN party
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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