I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
