Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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